It’s 12:12am.

I’ve had a day that has stoked the dying embers of my spirit, lifted me out of my grief, albeit briefly. I haven’t blogged for a long time for…well…reasons. I lost my voice for a time. I kept this domain open because I knew I would return to it eventually.

I am following the Black Cat, down darkened streets and through winding pathways of my dreams. She leads me places.

I lost her young, but she is always with me now, my little companion in the liminal spaces, taking me to where I need to go, and back to those who I need to connect to for reasons I have yet to understand.

This past year has been challenging. It has challenged everything I knew about the people around me, about myself. I underwent a death of the Ego and gave up my identity willingly, consigning all that I was to the flames.

No past, and no discernible future.

I lost my friends, my family, my soulmate, my health, my fertility, my independence, my sense of who I was…everything I thought I was and so desperately clung to…I had no control of the things that left. So I found myself alone, alone with myself, alone with Source, and the reality of what was transpiring which I had no words for.

I was struggling to understand why, how, what for before coming to the conclusion there may not be a reason, or point to any of it. I gave myself up to the flames – everything I was – my past, my identity – and I freed myself from the expectations others had of me, of the expectations I had of myself. I tried to be so many things, I tried to fulfill so many roles – daughter, sister, cousin, niece, grandaughter, friend, partner, lover, companion – and all failed. All of the ashes of those things were swept out to sea. Even the expectations realised too late – motherhood – and what I would never be – all let go of on a funeral pyre of my own making.

Long had I known I had to let go but I was afraid that the darkness would fill the void left behind. The grief of losing those I love still lingers, but I threw off the mooring ropes and let myself drift from that which anchored me to the world I once knew.

I began meditating again, this time putting myself into states of self-induced hypnosis, and allowed the power of Source to fill the void left in me by the love never realised, the life never lived, and the words I so wanted to say that will now forever be silent.

But the space between spaces, the place in which I find myself, the liminal spaces where I can see many things, many dimensions at once, is accessed through the power of ultimate surrender.

You see, the world, the Universe, is made up of things we can’t comprehend. We can’t control or manipulate these forces. We can only observe, work with, or be subject to them. By surrendering control, or the perception of control, we gain so much – insight, knowledge, wisdom, strength, light, enlightenment, and we conquer fear.

We spend our whole lives trying to control things – trying to control others – what they say, what they do, what they think, how they feel. The more control you think you have the less control you actually have. It is an illusion. We, as humans, control very, very little. Control leads to anger, desperation, frustration, anguish, helplessness, fear and despair. It within our power to control.

So the letting go of all that we are, even ourselves, our sense of who we are, leaves room, not for the darkness to come in, but room to grow, expand, evolve, and just BE. We don’t have to create personas, roles and characters to prove anything to anyone or ourselves, our actions alone should prove who we truly are. The lack of identity, I put to you, frees one from the constraints of societal pressure, and with no restrictive definitions by which to live within, we are much freer to explore who we truly are.

Sirelian